don't it make you sad to know that life, is, more than who we are

The song from which the title of this post is taken is called "Name" by The Goo Goo Dolls. I've been listening to it on repeat for the last day and a half.

I've been doing a lot of thinking as well. About life, about the last couple of months, about people in my life, about my lovers, people who have hurt me and God.

"scars are souveniors you never lose, the past is never far, did you lose yourself somewhere out there?"

I struggle with my past as a whole, I've never really allowed myself to be freed from things I could not change, prevent or help. I feel responsible for the abuse, for my mother (and all the betrayal) and for not being accepted by my family, especially my uncle.

Many times, those things that taunt me are as close as the blade to my skin, even though they are years in the past.

I guess, I think about it often, because sometimes I wonder how my past plays into my present. In regards to my views (in particular on honour, loyalty, marriage and sex), my decisions (in particular my honesty and with guys), my faith and the future.

I know what you are thinking, this doesn't sound like a girl that is happy with her life currently. And its probably true. I guess, I'm just tired. I'm tired of the questioning I go through with faith and God, tired of one night stands and of being the other woman (ya, you read that right). Tired of being unsure of what I want in my life, and tired of trying to push people away (but, it never works, which I'm thankful for). And I don't really know how I got here. A couple of years ago, if you said I'd have done half of the things I have done, I would have laughed at you.

"'cause all the dreams, you never thought you'd lose, got tossed along the way".

Last year, something broke inside me, and I just stopped caring. I decided to live life as I saw fit, fuck who I hurt, betrayed or ignored. I hid behind my actions, piled on the masks. And somewhere in it all, I lost perspective... who have I been lying to, myself or the world?

"doesn't it make you sad to know that life, is, more than who we are"

But I guess I've come to the point of realization, that "oh-em-gee" I'm not the centre of the fucking universe (pun intended). And as much as I have been betrayed by "love", trying to hurt it back is dirty fighting... I'm hurting myself, and innocent bystanders.

"reruns all become our history
a tired song keeps playing on a tired radio"

The above line is what I fear is the reality of this post, because, lets be honest... its not the first "crisis" I've had... and I doubt it'll be the last.

Read anything in in here

Particularily:
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