Melancholy (a post in which Jamie whines)

I thought my state of mind over the last little bit, was, well, just the "summer blahs", but summer is over and I'm still feeling the same. Its not a comfortable place, and a place that sort of maybe scares me, I don't do well with prolonged periods of "blah-ness", sharp things take a bad interest in my life. Or so history has shown.

And I don't even know what it is that has me here, I've thought about it a lot and I think most of is that I'm 22 years old and I'm at a point now where I have to start making choices that will affect the path I go on. And I'm trying to set things in motion to move myself forward, but things keep not going as planned. School plans aren't really happening (and soon I will need to start paying back that frickin' OSAP loan, I just have to keep reminding myself that the friendships I made can not have a price put on them [but if they did it'd be about 12 grand]), plans of making peace with my family (read: mother), thats just laughable, and I feel selfish saying this but I'm starting to look for someone I can share my life with on more than just the physical level (ps. I have to keep reminding my hormones of that, damn buggers, this shit is hard), and I let myself get my hopes up and then things crash and I'm left feeling like, well, like I'm just not "girlfriend" material. And yes I know, it takes time, the right person is out there, you are a great person Jamie, don't worry it'll happen, there's a million fish in the sea etc. etc., but with almost my whole inner circle of friends finding that person who makes them happy, well its a constant reminder that if karma is real, I'm never going to find happiness in a relationship, because I've definitely fucked up in the past two years.

I just, I see the path that I want to go down, but it seems like I'm going in the other direction. 1/2 step forward and like 18 steps backwards. I have to consistently turn my mind to Light.

I'm afraid what might happen otherwise.