The superficial and then the honest

Alright, the superficial is really just another office pet peeve. I work in a real estate office, and it annoys me so much when this happens:
*phone rings*
me: Good afternoon/morning/evening company name, Jamie speaking how may I help you
person: gives a property address
me: yes
person: gives a property address again
me: what about that property
person: *huffs* appointment
me: *swears in my mind* last name please

Gah, how about you tell me "I'd like to book an appointment on.... "

Dumbasses, the whole lot of them. Take that generalizations!










For anyone who knows me, even remotely. Knows that I've been avoiding community like its the fucking plague. No church, no small group, no talking about faith (really) with friends, nothing... nada... nit... newt.

Instead I drink (a lot), and hang out with guys (you can interpret hang out however you please). And as much as I know the what I should be feeling in the "well I'm a Christian", I don't feel it. I know what I should be feeling, on a cognitive level it doesn't resonate with my soul though.

Two weeks ago, I decided to maybe start hitting the church scene again. And maybe take advantage of making it to my small group before I can't go anymore.

But, me, my actions are still... so... contrived. And it makes me want to run away all over again.

Someone, when they asked about what I was up to and I was honest, asked me if I believed in the Bible. Like that is the simple be all and end all answer. Instead, it just made me feel that much worse.

Because everytime I think about faith, and my lack of understanding. I think of Anya from Buffy on death with this quote:

But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.


I've never understood faith, bible college illuminated that for me. And as much as I know that He loves in the smallest bits of obediences. I hate contrivity.

But I also don't know how to give up.

Blah.