I know its not Mother's Day

But here is a post dedicated to dear old mom, some things I've written about her:

Dearest Mother (March 30th, 2004)
how can you hurt me so much
how can you do it, and not think
you selfish bitch
you want me to call you mother
but why should i?
you have done nothing to deserve that title
you have been the cause of many sleepless and tearfilled nights
of heartbreaks and hurts
where were you when i was hurting?
and you want me there when you are?
time and time againpromises
get broken
and lies
get told
you are an awesome story teller because you have tricked me into
believing your lies so many times
i have every right to just forget you
to not care, and move on from here
cut off the contact and turn off the emotions
but i can't, damn internal instinct
from your womb i was born
but by your hand i have been hurt
by your tongue i have been discouraged
by your actions i have been let down
i can forgive you
but i don't forget
every
single
time
every word that comes from your mouth has
been soured before it has leftyour lips
your words hold no genuinity to me
they are like pornography
false intimacy
you say you love me
but i bet you say that
to every
guy
you
fuck
i don't know what goes on inside that fucked up head
or what love to you means
you have not shown me love
you have taught me to be bitter
and to hate
you have taught me to what it feels to want
you have taught me distrust
you have taught me to fight for myself
but i won't fuck everyone over in the process
like
you
have
but you are still here
and so in the mean time, i may think i don't care
but i know i dobecause i accept the calls
and i open up the letters
i listen to you
even if you won't listen to me
sometimes i feel like there is a role reversal
and that i am the mother
i feel so disconnected
but connected all the same
and the tears that i cry
they are for you
and what you will never be

vulnerable (February 1st, 2006)

angry words were written by pen
sad tears from my eyes were shed
hurt and pain from my heart
left through my mouth
I HATE YOU

i hate that you didn't understand
why my soul would scream something like that
its not that I had too many demands
you just wouldn't listen to the only one
I WANT you

but you weren't there, were you?
when I was shrouded in dark
not there when the hurts of this world
left their painful marks
I Need you

so I make myself open to you again
but it will be the last time
hurt me one more time, we're done
nothing will matter if you cross that line
i'm here

Guess who is in jail .... again. *sigh*