Sometimes I miss it

As the summer wraps up, my mind thinks of camp. I just watched a girls camp video, and I'm a little teared up. It has been 5 years since I was last at Pioneer and it wasn't by choice that I stopped going. And I still miss it, and it still hurts.

I don't know if it hurts because those were simpler days, and where God was so painstakingly real for me. Or if its because of the way things ended and my frustrations with the current director. I don't know if I will ever completely stop missing camp, and maybe thats why I was never the "right" staff for Pioneer, because I had too much of a vested interest. I was there for camp to feed into me, more than so that I could feed into others.

Maybe some of it is because I simply miss the naivety and innocence that surrounded me there, where I could forget the dark stains of my past and where turning to God didn't hurt.

Maybe its because I've got my one foot poised out in front of me, my whole life ahead of me, everything is falling into place ... but yet, something just feels ... off.

Perhaps today is one of the days where the still small voice is whispering to me, and it causes unease. Though I find irony that an equally contesting feeling is to take up habits that were worse for wear from my past.