Old wounds.
And maybe I'm a little hurt, possibly a little bit angry. Its been three years since the last time I've felt abandoned, three years and that wound is still there, under the surface.
Will this become like that, because the thing is, I can't jump those hoops yet, I tried. I can't be who they need me to be quite yet, because its not who I want to be, I'm done lying to myself. And yes its me punking out, I understand this, but I'm punking out because it saves my skin. A friend once wrote "What do I do when my refuge and what I'm trying to take refuge from are found in the same person?" What do you do?
I run like a tethered ball, and I curse and give thanks with the same breath for that mere fact. Sometimes I really don't know if I'm coming or going.
Yesterday this post would have been a lot more bitter, a lot more angry. But remember, I'm trying this whole "tact" thing. I'm not so good with combining tact with honesty, I straight up try to tell people whats on my mind. Save for this post, because I'm being vague like a muddahfuckah, but some people may take offence if I just laid the shit down. I'm not sure when I started caring about that. Oh ya, probably when I started to try and use tact.
What the hell was my point. Oh ya, I just find it, funny. I fought myself for a year, a year I tried to fit into shoes that I had outgrown, a year I stifled change. The last time I went through a change of this magnitude I cut every single one of my friends out of my life who I associated with the style I was trying to leave. Granted that time was probably "justified" as I was trying to get out of the drug scene. Cutting people out is what I do, I do it well. Except when it comes to her, I've been trying to cut her out since I was 12 years old, hasn't worked yet.
But now I care that it hurts people, I've become all... sensible... compassionate... knows right from wrong. *snaps head* Didn't see that one coming, I care about other people... where did I learn that from?
And so, in spite of my confusion, my dizziness, my whatever. I tried to turn over a new leaf, tear down some of those walls.
But I was just a couple of Wednesdays too late.
Will this become like that, because the thing is, I can't jump those hoops yet, I tried. I can't be who they need me to be quite yet, because its not who I want to be, I'm done lying to myself. And yes its me punking out, I understand this, but I'm punking out because it saves my skin. A friend once wrote "What do I do when my refuge and what I'm trying to take refuge from are found in the same person?" What do you do?
I run like a tethered ball, and I curse and give thanks with the same breath for that mere fact. Sometimes I really don't know if I'm coming or going.
Yesterday this post would have been a lot more bitter, a lot more angry. But remember, I'm trying this whole "tact" thing. I'm not so good with combining tact with honesty, I straight up try to tell people whats on my mind. Save for this post, because I'm being vague like a muddahfuckah, but some people may take offence if I just laid the shit down. I'm not sure when I started caring about that. Oh ya, probably when I started to try and use tact.
What the hell was my point. Oh ya, I just find it, funny. I fought myself for a year, a year I tried to fit into shoes that I had outgrown, a year I stifled change. The last time I went through a change of this magnitude I cut every single one of my friends out of my life who I associated with the style I was trying to leave. Granted that time was probably "justified" as I was trying to get out of the drug scene. Cutting people out is what I do, I do it well. Except when it comes to her, I've been trying to cut her out since I was 12 years old, hasn't worked yet.
But now I care that it hurts people, I've become all... sensible... compassionate... knows right from wrong. *snaps head* Didn't see that one coming, I care about other people... where did I learn that from?
And so, in spite of my confusion, my dizziness, my whatever. I tried to turn over a new leaf, tear down some of those walls.
But I was just a couple of Wednesdays too late.
posted by Jamie @ 2:35 AM
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