So, here is an old post ...

I wrote the following post in the early fall of 2005:

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I wrote this while at the beach today..

Decked out in heeled boots, dress pants and dress caot, I headed down to Neville Park to spend some time by the water. I looked like I belonged here, all preppy ... or completely ridicilious as I tried to walk down a grass hill in 3 inch heels.

I'm sitting here now in a peekaboo crevice made by rocks. My ass is cold. I'm not sure what I am waiting for as I can hear the waves crash all around me. Maybe I'm waiting for a message in a bottle to float on by, to tell me the purpose of my life, because I'm not sure I understand.

The clouds above me are grey and dank, concealing the sun, but still streams of sun pour through. I wish I felt that I related to the sun, goodness that is trying to break through the darkness. But I feel like the clouds, wanting to block the sun, hide the good.

In my disc man is a mixed cd, I made before leaving this morning. Currently playing is Lisa Leob:
'And even though no one is looking
she is falling apart...'

I spend a lot of time in my apartment, where no one can see or understand the unravelling and I don't talk to people, as to not cause concern.

I wrote a letter to my friend Simon awhile ago, talking about the facade that I felt I put on and could no longer hold up, and I feel the same way.

I've changed this summer, and no I don't believe all change is good.

I'm not sure I know God anymore, I'm not saying that He is not real, I just don't know if I really ever knew who He was.

I have faith, I think, I just don't know in what. But I will do as Leanne Womack sings:
'Promise me you'll give faith
a fighting chance...'

And as I get ready to wrap up and leave, Eminem comes on 'Like toy soldiers' and I feel like I'm not supposed to 'blow my composure' to show the ways in which I fuck up. I need to do a lot of soul searching..

But like these boots, trying to be who I was in June, trying to keep the change inside, is giving me blisters...

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And I'd like to say that with my decision to leave the Church, I feel much more comfortable in my shoes.