Oh so fitting

I'm Not That Girl (from Wicked: The Musical)

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boyBut I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl:

I know its not Mother's Day

But here is a post dedicated to dear old mom, some things I've written about her:

Dearest Mother (March 30th, 2004)
how can you hurt me so much
how can you do it, and not think
you selfish bitch
you want me to call you mother
but why should i?
you have done nothing to deserve that title
you have been the cause of many sleepless and tearfilled nights
of heartbreaks and hurts
where were you when i was hurting?
and you want me there when you are?
time and time againpromises
get broken
and lies
get told
you are an awesome story teller because you have tricked me into
believing your lies so many times
i have every right to just forget you
to not care, and move on from here
cut off the contact and turn off the emotions
but i can't, damn internal instinct
from your womb i was born
but by your hand i have been hurt
by your tongue i have been discouraged
by your actions i have been let down
i can forgive you
but i don't forget
every
single
time
every word that comes from your mouth has
been soured before it has leftyour lips
your words hold no genuinity to me
they are like pornography
false intimacy
you say you love me
but i bet you say that
to every
guy
you
fuck
i don't know what goes on inside that fucked up head
or what love to you means
you have not shown me love
you have taught me to be bitter
and to hate
you have taught me to what it feels to want
you have taught me distrust
you have taught me to fight for myself
but i won't fuck everyone over in the process
like
you
have
but you are still here
and so in the mean time, i may think i don't care
but i know i dobecause i accept the calls
and i open up the letters
i listen to you
even if you won't listen to me
sometimes i feel like there is a role reversal
and that i am the mother
i feel so disconnected
but connected all the same
and the tears that i cry
they are for you
and what you will never be

vulnerable (February 1st, 2006)

angry words were written by pen
sad tears from my eyes were shed
hurt and pain from my heart
left through my mouth
I HATE YOU

i hate that you didn't understand
why my soul would scream something like that
its not that I had too many demands
you just wouldn't listen to the only one
I WANT you

but you weren't there, were you?
when I was shrouded in dark
not there when the hurts of this world
left their painful marks
I Need you

so I make myself open to you again
but it will be the last time
hurt me one more time, we're done
nothing will matter if you cross that line
i'm here

Guess who is in jail .... again. *sigh*

Melancholy (a post in which Jamie whines)

I thought my state of mind over the last little bit, was, well, just the "summer blahs", but summer is over and I'm still feeling the same. Its not a comfortable place, and a place that sort of maybe scares me, I don't do well with prolonged periods of "blah-ness", sharp things take a bad interest in my life. Or so history has shown.

And I don't even know what it is that has me here, I've thought about it a lot and I think most of is that I'm 22 years old and I'm at a point now where I have to start making choices that will affect the path I go on. And I'm trying to set things in motion to move myself forward, but things keep not going as planned. School plans aren't really happening (and soon I will need to start paying back that frickin' OSAP loan, I just have to keep reminding myself that the friendships I made can not have a price put on them [but if they did it'd be about 12 grand]), plans of making peace with my family (read: mother), thats just laughable, and I feel selfish saying this but I'm starting to look for someone I can share my life with on more than just the physical level (ps. I have to keep reminding my hormones of that, damn buggers, this shit is hard), and I let myself get my hopes up and then things crash and I'm left feeling like, well, like I'm just not "girlfriend" material. And yes I know, it takes time, the right person is out there, you are a great person Jamie, don't worry it'll happen, there's a million fish in the sea etc. etc., but with almost my whole inner circle of friends finding that person who makes them happy, well its a constant reminder that if karma is real, I'm never going to find happiness in a relationship, because I've definitely fucked up in the past two years.

I just, I see the path that I want to go down, but it seems like I'm going in the other direction. 1/2 step forward and like 18 steps backwards. I have to consistently turn my mind to Light.

I'm afraid what might happen otherwise.

A change in the title to my previous blog post

It shall now be referred to "A post in which Jamie discovers a Douche" ... apparently he has a girlfriend and didn't "realize that I was misleading you".

Psh, whatevs. Dudes conscience just finally kicked him in the ass.

C'est la vie.

A blog post in which Jamie texts a boy

I've been reading Stardust, Aron had taken me to see it on my birthday and Michael lent me the book on the weekend. Which is where the title for the blog came from, because at the beginning of the chapter there is this little blurb thats like "where there is much fighting for the crown" (or something like that). And I likes it.

Anywho, your beloved Jamie, is ready to try this so called "dating", like ... real dating. Holy carp! (yes carp), who'd have thunk it. Pretty much, I'm kind of scared of boys ... unless I'm giving them the sweaty throw down. I'm socially awkward, this doesn't really bode well when it comes to dating, where I have to show that I'm not a social retard and my breasts can't do all the persuading.

But, I worked up the ovaries to text a friend of a friend (or rather, ahem, a supervisor of a friend) who has apparently expressed some interest. He's tied up this week, but if my schedule frees up next week, we'll try to get together for coffee then.

ps. this girl is my blogger hero.

One more month

Till I'm on a plane to Ireland :) I'm getting excited, even though kissing the blarney stone is kind of daunting. And that was before I even considered the possibility that people might urinate on it.

I've got one month to acquire a taste for either beer or whiskey ... on your mark, get set, go! (those who went to O'Grady's in July can remember my reaction to Whiskey).

Oh, and I felt so spoiled for my birthday this year, a very special thank you to those who made it so. I think I still have a package in the mail coming :)

"Where does the good go" Tegan and Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive?
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go?
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love?
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?