A dangerous dance

Is what I perform. With fire and poison and snakes waiting to strike. I bend and flex and twirl to the musical anthem of destruction. Toeing a line that is already blurred.

And the longer I wait, the more I want to fall.

A fashion no no ...

Ugg is for Ugly.





And if you take offence to this, then you shouldn't have bought not only an ugly pair of shoes, but an expensive pair of shoes at that.

Some tips on being a decent human

... from me, an unlikely source ...

1) When in a restaurant you don't do the following:

I was at the Red Room Sunday night with some people after church, and there were a slightly drunk-ish couple beside us. They sat down, ordered soup and chicken pad thai and a couple of beverages. About 20 minutes later the waitress came by, and they told her that they wanted to cancel their order of pad thai, even though it had just finished getting made. I've sent food back if it wasn't what I ordered but I never cancelled an order when its obviously "too late" to do so. Who does that?

2) When dealing with someone who doesn't actually work for you, but does work for you, don't do the following:

I had an agent who asked for an offer to be done, I got in at 230 and started doing it. Typically, if I don't have to do anything else it takes me approximately 20 minutes to do an offer package and all necessary forms. This particular day the phones were insane.

She called me at 245, "is it done yet", "no its not, I'm not even done the first page" she called at 3 "is it done yet" "no its not, I'm trying to book appointments, its kind of busy here". She called at 315 "why isn't it done yet" "because I am only one person, I'm answering phones, taking and booking appointments and explaining myself to you, when I am done the offer I will email it to the broker and text message you to let you know".

She called me that night... "there are mistakes all over" "like what" "the name is spelled incorrectly" "i took the name off of the file I was given" "*she is yelling* well its wrong" "there is no need to yell" "*still yelling*" "if you don't calm down, I will hang up on you" "you have no right to reprimand me" "*click*"

Then she called back and demanded to speak to my boss, who I had just spoken to and informed him that I hung up on her.

Bah.

Stupid power trippin' agents.

So, try and be a decent human being 'eh?

frustration

Once, I had a MSN name:

"And tonight I feel like the societal reject I was always told I was"

And I'm feeling the same.

I hate secret knowledge, I hate knowing people's darkness, I hate being ignored, I hate feeling used.

And sometimes I wish I was just vindicative enough to use the former statements as a retaliation to the latter statements and just fucking someone over, cause I have the ability to do so. But, alas, I'm not that much of a bitch.

But, a part of me knows that its the game I play that fucks me over in the end. So maybe I should just quit playing it.

In other news

I know someone whose lifestyle I think spawned the idea for the movie "John Tucker Must Die".

Oh my gosh

CSI Season 7 premiere is on tonight at 9pm :)

w00t

I play love like a game of russian roulette

... with a bullet in every chamber

A stroll down memory lane

Characteristic of my time at tyndale

End of the World
Badger Badger Badger
Can I have some Lunchables?

Hope you enjoyed the walk down my memory lane.

Oh dear

My cousin thinks she is pregnant.

She is fifteen.

Holy crap.

whoops...

I thought I could be stronger. It was a noble thought, a valiant effort. But I guess I just pushed it a little bit too soon. To my credit, I didn't initiate, my resolve just wasn't strong enough for the both of us.

a step

I can spell the word correctly the first time, where in years past I always typed it wrong, maybe I'm finally moving on.

bah!

Well, the minor things first.

Guido has a new and more permanent living arrangement, I still have to call the girl (a friend of Tom's). But I'm kind of post poning it, because as much as I know I need to let go of her, I love that little furball. But, its not fair for me to hold on to her, I can't care for her in the way she needs it, I'm never home to do so.

Which makes me thing of another relationship in my life that isn't going so well. Not that I think I need to let go of the relationship, I just should probably step it up and suck it up and start honouring him and his decisions, and you know, not being a temptress (the third definition is quite fitting). But its proving to be quite difficult. Bah.

But hey... the temporary roommate is gone for the week, the toilet seat shall remain down!

Old wounds.

And maybe I'm a little hurt, possibly a little bit angry. Its been three years since the last time I've felt abandoned, three years and that wound is still there, under the surface.

Will this become like that, because the thing is, I can't jump those hoops yet, I tried. I can't be who they need me to be quite yet, because its not who I want to be, I'm done lying to myself. And yes its me punking out, I understand this, but I'm punking out because it saves my skin. A friend once wrote "What do I do when my refuge and what I'm trying to take refuge from are found in the same person?" What do you do?

I run like a tethered ball, and I curse and give thanks with the same breath for that mere fact. Sometimes I really don't know if I'm coming or going.

Yesterday this post would have been a lot more bitter, a lot more angry. But remember, I'm trying this whole "tact" thing. I'm not so good with combining tact with honesty, I straight up try to tell people whats on my mind. Save for this post, because I'm being vague like a muddahfuckah, but some people may take offence if I just laid the shit down. I'm not sure when I started caring about that. Oh ya, probably when I started to try and use tact.

What the hell was my point. Oh ya, I just find it, funny. I fought myself for a year, a year I tried to fit into shoes that I had outgrown, a year I stifled change. The last time I went through a change of this magnitude I cut every single one of my friends out of my life who I associated with the style I was trying to leave. Granted that time was probably "justified" as I was trying to get out of the drug scene. Cutting people out is what I do, I do it well. Except when it comes to her, I've been trying to cut her out since I was 12 years old, hasn't worked yet.

But now I care that it hurts people, I've become all... sensible... compassionate... knows right from wrong. *snaps head* Didn't see that one coming, I care about other people... where did I learn that from?

And so, in spite of my confusion, my dizziness, my whatever. I tried to turn over a new leaf, tear down some of those walls.

But I was just a couple of Wednesdays too late.

A good read...

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Last summer this book was read to the staff at Glen Mhor for a staff bible study/devo. And so I picked it up to read it at home, because everyone had to miss some of it at one point or another (scheduling conflicts). I lent it out, and just recently got it back. And I'm going to post some quotes.

"But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time."

"Every life has one true-love snapshot."

"No story sits by itself. Sometimes stories meet at corners and sometimes they cover one another completely, like stones beneath a river."

"Where.. is my worry? Where is my pain?"

"Your voice will come. We all go through the same thing. You cannot talk when you first arrive" He smiled. "It helps you listen."

"There are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more seperate one life from another than you can seperate a breeze from the wind."

The Blue Man helod out his hand. "Fairness," he said, "does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."

"Strangers," the Blue man said, "are just family you have yet to come to know."

"Young men go to war. Sometimes because they have to, sometimes because they want to. Always, they feel they are supposed to."

"You didn't get it. Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices, big sacrifices."

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."

"Eddie slumped in the rushing water. The stones of his stories were all around him now, beneath the surface, one touching another. He could feel his form melting, dissolving, and he sensed that he did not have long, that whatever came after the five people you meet in heaven, it was upon him now."

"The world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."

Its my berfday

I'm 21

Egads.

That's all.

A mild success

So the parties turned out to be a'ight. The bash at my place was good, small turn out but good conversation and funny episodes of Punk'd, and just all 'round fun times.

The evening party. Oh dear, it was good, my friend Bethany came which was really nice. I fell down a flight of stairs, and distinctly remember thinking... I'm on my ass, this isn't right. But I appear to not be broken, so its all good.

Can someone explain to me why, after a night of drinking, your body seems to think its a good time to wake up only like 5 hours after you've gone to bed. Maybe its just my body.

Anyways, I'm going to go try and go back to sleep.